he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
