i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
