i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
