I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We have so much sex to catch up on
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
