Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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