Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Randomize
