I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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