Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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