Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
