she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
