mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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