the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
