it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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