i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
