rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
