my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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