i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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