If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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