A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need to calm my uterus...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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