Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
