What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
handjob tips. give me some.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Randomize
