I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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