I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i dont even know how to be here
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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