There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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