My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He kissed a someone with a penis
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
