You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We need to get me chipped asap
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
