This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You've changed since you got that strap on
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
