Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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