My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
