god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
It's official drugs can't kill me
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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