ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
