your parents love me but you hate me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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