i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
