And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
