i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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