were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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