She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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