people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
