i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
