I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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