Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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