the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
