Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
