My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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