She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
