I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
