Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
