Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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