The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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