Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
