I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
